On 9/3/17 Kev writes, I type...
Something very beautiful happened yesterday. I guess you could say I had an important realization...
My day had started with emotional upheaval that I would later realize was caused by my own thinking. I had allowed myself to become consumed by my own insecurities, and in doing so I brought turmoil to a relationship I hold very dear to my heart. I'm starting to understand that when we try to fill ourselves up with the things that lie outside ourselves in order to find happiness, those same things mostly end up becoming what brings us pain. Spiritual materialism is really what addiction is all about...we become addicted to finding happiness, pleasure, love, etc., when we can't seem to find it within ourselves. It's only if you truly can love yourself, that you can truly trust in the love you have for another.
If you really think about it-everything inside the physical world is temporary yet we try so hard to hold onto what can't be held onto. The moment is what truly counts..
I lost complete control over my emotions yesterday, and as the day progressed, the situation seemed to get worse...my mind became more chaotic..
I could not find any stillness in any moment and I found myself taking steps backward into the negative thought process I know all too well. Something happened though, I realized after getting off the phone that I was not getting anywhere by allowing myself to be completely consumed by what I could not control..that the only thing that was going to bring me true peace in this situation was myself, by replacing my spiritual materialism with contentment for my own spirit.
I was completely crazy at one point..but I've learned to use the tools that I know work for me,and one of those is to know to reach out to someone when I need help. I'm in prison but there are men in here that can help me with my emotional distress, because like all human beings and like this blog is intended to do, we are all able to reflect into one another. I now understand that I don't have to feel like I'm the only one that is going through something. I sought out someone who is in recovery like I am, and I also really ended up finding help in the people I asked to help direct me towards that person.
After speaking with someone, I decided to go work out. That helped with the anger but when I was done I found myself still spinning inside so I talked again with that same person and he told me, " why don't you just meditate because what you really need to do is clear your mind of all that temporary stuff." I thought those words were so wise, and so I meditated. I was actually able to sit still in that state the longest I've been able to since attempting to practice on a daily basis. It helped me see just how caught up my mind was..I can't count the times I had to stop and start counting my breaths over again , but it was the best lesson I've had yet because I was finally able to let go for once.
As far as the relationship that I hold dear to my heart...I realize this- love can't be something I use to fill some type of physical need for happiness. That has to come from within. I have to just enjoy what I do have within that love and cherish it. I don't know what may come of this situation, but I can show respect and how I value the relationship by giving it space to breathe. All I can hope for is that by creating some space through respect and self control that I'll be able to guide that love back to its proper place in my life. One of the greatest things I am able to understand today is that sometimes we have to learn how to hurt in order to love stronger. We become better human beings by doing so.
So, today, I choose to replace spiritual materialism with contentment of spirit and understand true happiness will inevitably start from there...
Today's Positive Affirmation: "Greater in battle than the man who would conquer a thousand-thousand men , is he who would conquer just one- himself." - Buddha
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